


Reassurances

by NoGoodTuna



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Loneliness, M/M, Nipple Play, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Training Camp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-11-27 17:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20951915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoGoodTuna/pseuds/NoGoodTuna
Summary: As much as Hinata smiles all the time, deep inside he harbors feelings of loneliness, inadequacies, and low self-esteem. Of all the people he knows, only one person ever really gets him, Tsukishima. He's the one he looks for and craves the attention of, if only he'd get that attention when he needed it most.Day 5: There was only one bed





	1. More to volleyball than volleyball

When Coach Ukai handed Tsukishima a personalized invitation to the annual winter training camp for the prefecture, the current Karasuno second and third years exploded into a cacophony of hoots and hollers. Their excited congratulations and exuberant praises were so loud that Tsukishima plugged his ears. His hands, however, fell away as Tanaka slapped him on the back so hard that he knocked the wind out of him.

“Whoa _bruh_, good work on getting recognized again!” Tanaka laughed with praise as Tsukishima caught his breath. Unaware of the turmoil he put him through, he slapped him a few more times as if each hit represented his good tidings and joy for his _kouhai_. “We’re proud of ya’ _bruh_! Really proud!”

“Yeah man, we really are!” Empowered by Tanaka’s heaping helping of praise, Nishinoya jumped on Tsukishima’s back excitedly. He applauded him with exuberant praise.

The wild and sudden movement sent Tsukishima off kilter making him stumble and all but fall but as Nishinoya wrapped his legs around him and leaned backwards, he regained his balance. While Tsukishima groaned in annoyance, Nishinoya only laughed as if it were all fun and games. Totally still excited about everything, he rocked his ride long and hard as he smiled at his teammates, pumping his fist as he made contact with each and every one of them. “Congrats man, congrats! Well earned! Of all of us, you deserve it the most! Ain’t that right y’all?”

Additional shouts and praises rocked the gymnasium as the new Karasuno first years clapped and shouted for the linchpin of Karasuno’s defense, Tsukishima. Though their tenure on the team was short and their opportunities to play by his side in a scrimmage were far and few, they still saw how multifaceted he was at playing middle blocker and _back seat _ace. Consistently, he won the _Most Valuable Player_ awards for scoring the most important points of the game, often being the ones that restored Karasuno’s lost momentum.

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t forget about me! I’m a middle blocker too! Where’s mine, where’s mine!” Hinata interrupted the _pomp _and _circumstance _as he looked at their coach. Everyone quieted and stared at them with inquisitive eyes.

Coach Ukai shrugged. “Apart from Kageyama’s invitation to the youth camp, and Tsukishima’s to the Shiratorizawa one, there wasn’t anything else in our mailbox. Maybe next time?”

“Man, I thought for sure I would’ve received one too, ya’ know? I played well, didn’t I?” Downtrodden, Hinata looked at Tsukishima for validation and reassurance. They played the same positions and carried the same hopes and dreams of the team during the most vital of moments. He was sure, of all people, Tsukishima could relate to him and see where he was coming from.

That validation and reassurance wasn’t forthcoming. An emphasized and pronounced silence filled the air as most of the team avoided saying anything. They dared not mention the obvious or else they’d discourage their most passionate player. Though his determination and perseverance were commendable and downright vital for their successes, his inconsistent _at best_ play style and _sluggish_ attempts to level up the most basic of volleyball skills still left him _woefully_ behind his peers and _senpai_.

Those same _senpai _shifted uneasily on their feet, each batting the ball to the other and wondering who would speak up before the situation grew even more awkward and painful than it already was. Hinata looked ready to cry as he gripped the hem of his jersey like it was the only thing keeping him grounded and present.

“Uh, Hinata, the coach?” The captain, Ennoshita, piped up as he noticed Hinata’s quivering lips and watery eyes. “Has a few words?”

Hinata brightened for just a minute as if the invitation he was looking for magically appeared in his coach’s hands.

Coach Ukai was taken aback by those hopeful eyes and struggled to say anything, not that he wanted to. He was always reluctant to handle the emotional turmoil his players faced when it came to their lives outside of volleyball. He was just a local convenience store manager not a counselor or teacher.

He preferred either for the students to handle themselves and their issues or for Ittetsu to be the inspirational and supportive adult figure in their life, not him. It’s not that he couldn’t deal with some of the team's emotional needs as he did a good job pumping them up before a game, reigniting their waning flame during a game, and raising their spirits after a crushing defeat, it’s just that he struggled with handling them one-on-one during these out of game moments. He couldn’t relate to them. He couldn’t understand how their mind worked.

He eyed Hinata's closest friends, Kageyama and Tsukishima, as he hoped they would butt in and save him from this mental dilemma. It was a tactic that had precedence as both boys handled Hinata in their own special way. With his usual penchant for bickering, Kageyama always ignited a flame within him whereas Tsukishima’s teasing jokes always got him _ticked _off but smiling in a way that only a close friend could.

Neither student, however, were in a place to deal with Hinata. Kageyama’s mind was totally elsewhere as he stared at the bleachers. He wore a forlorn smile filled with longing. Meanwhile Tsukishima, who though he glanced at Hinata and looked totally concerned for him, was unable to do anything as Nishinoya clung to his back and annoyed him. He tried to pry him off, but he couldn’t reach him.

Ukai awkwardly smiled as he watched his hope’s fizzle, not that they were lit in the first place. Now, he looked for the only one he could trust, his partner Ittetsu. He was a teacher who was professionally trained to handle the drama and emotion that teenagers faced.

That need to be a teacher, however, put him out of commission as he stood outside the door. He talked animatedly to the concerned parents who called him nonstop this evening. Though he peeked in a few times, he was often covering the receiver and mouthing occasional commands to Ittetsu, nothing about the students but often about the dinner they would share after practice and the intimate plans afterwards. The thought often made Ukai blush, but now wasn’t the time for sweet nothings and romance. Now was the time for Hinata who stood as hopeful as ever as he awaited really good news.

Ukai pictured the type of inspirational and supportive words Ittetsu would say and thought to copy him. He cleared his throat and eyed his players. Nishinoya, now on ground level, Tsukishima, Hinata, and Kageyama all turned to him with expectant eyes. Those eyes filled with trust and devotion suddenly frightened him and made the words that were on the tip of his tongue vanish and disappear.

With all eyes on him and nothing to say, he grew nervous. He rubbed the sudden perspiration from his neck and averted his gaze. He stared over the heads of the shorter players and looked at the door. He was hopeful that maybe Ittetsu would return and provide the emotional support these kids needed. But as Ittetsu waved through that tiny window and returned to his phone, Ukai realized he was in this alone.

No, he wasn’t alone. The students still had each other, so he did what he always did and put the ball in their court. He turned his eyes to Ennoshita and nodded.

Ennoshita balked. He didn’t have a clue what to say at all. Looking for ideas, he turned to his fellow third years and even the second years, new and old, for anything. Most everyone stepped backwards and away as if he were contagious. This left Hinata and his closest friends isolated in the center of the court. While Kageyama’s attention return to the bleachers, Tsukishima stared at Hinata with a calculated yet reassuring glance, as if he were trying to balance his praise and criticism for his teammate.

Yamaguchi, on the other hand, simply placed a hand on Hinata’s shoulder and got his attention. He wore a bright smile on his face as he met his gaze.

“Of course, Hinata. We couldn’t have won a few games without your help.” Though he smiled and said encouraging words, Hinata felt that they were meaningless and pointless. It reminded him of being praised by his mom or younger sister, people who had no clue how volleyball worked. Yamaguchi, who barely handled his own role decently and consistently, let alone received even a tenth of as much playtime as he did, couldn’t possibly understand what he was going through. Realizing that there was only one person who could really _get him _and _understand _his situation, he looked at Tsukishima and hoped he would say something, anything, to make him feel better.

Yamaguchi followed his gaze and grew more animated and excited when it landed on Tsukishima. “I’m sure your time will come Hinata just like it came for Tsukki. Everyone knows he was a superstar last year, you saw him, right? He was so multitalented, multi-skilled, and so versatile. And he's still awesome. Really, Hinata, Tsukki is just so incredible! It’s no wonder people noticed him again!”

Yamaguchi’s words reignited a spirit of excitement and praise for Tsukishima as everyone crowded around him once again. Tsukishima looked away bashfully as they showered him with well-wishes and blessings for his eventual journey to Shiratorizawa.

Knocked aside and left alone, Hinata was left pouting and clenching his fist in regret. “I thought I did too though. I don’t understand why only he gets to go. Unfair.” He whispered to himself as he kicked the floor.

“How is it _unfair _scrub? You still kind of suck whenever I’m not around. It shouldn’t be a surprise that they wouldn’t want someone like _you _at a training camp.” Kageyama, who didn’t take part in the celebration, smirked as he ruffled Hinata’s hair. “Just get better and maybe next time you’ll get the invite.”

“But I am better, better than I was last year, better than I was last month, better than I was last week, and better than I was yesterday!” Hinata insisted as he swatted Kageyama’s hand away. He didn’t need to be babied or anything right now.

“Better than yesterday?” Kageyama smirked teasingly. “Didn’t you miss every single ball that came your way like a _scrub _would?”

“I was where I was supposed to be _Bakayama. _If you hadn’t lost focus and tried to show off in front of the _grand king _when he called your name, then you wouldn’t have sent the ball to who knows where. I could have hit it ya’ know,” Hinata spoke accusingly as he shot a glance toward Oikawa. Oikawa mindlessly scrolled through his phone as he sat in the bleachers. However, as if he had the ears of an owl, he looked their way and waved, sending Kageyama into a red-faced stuttering panic. “Exactly,” Hinata added as he watched his teammate lose face.

“T-t-t-t-that’s not an excuse _scrub_. If you were good enough, you’d hit any ball even if it were out of your reach.” Kageyama spoke as Oikawa beckoned him with a small wave. “It’s called stretching, leaning, and reaching for the ball, at any moment. If you do those three things then you should always be able to hit the ball, any ball, you got that _scrub_? Practice more and get good if you want to be recognized as more than a one-trick pony,” Kageyama said as he made his way towards Oikawa.

Hinata rolled his eyes as he snorted from Kageyama’s ridiculousness. Whenever Oikawa was involved, he really couldn’t take anything he said seriously. His friend’s mind was always in _lala-land _whenever Oikawa happened to be watching. It was like the _grand king_ melted his brain and made him act like a lovesick puppy.

While Hinata thought it was nice to have the _grand king _watch their games, he’d slowly realized that he was only here to watch Kageyama. It was as if his forced retirement on account of his leg injury was not only making him live his dreams vicariously through his _protégé _but was making him fall head over heels for him as he doted on him passionately, and it went both ways. As much as Kageyama liked to say he didn’t care about Oikawa and disliked him with passion, his heart betrayed him. Any and every time Oikawa beckoned him to come, he did. Anytime he called his name or waved, Kageyama short circuited and blushed. Honestly, Hinata realized, having the grand kind there was becoming pretty annoying and distracting.

Much of that annoyance, he realized, was because a part of him felt jealous. He was jealous that Kageyama had someone cheering him on the sidelines, following him to every game, and even catching up and connecting with him quite literally and intimately afterwards. He wished he had that, honestly. He did.

Another part of him was glad he didn’t. While it would have been nice having someone like a lover like Oikawa or a brother like Tsukishima's brother or a sister like Tanaka's in the bleachers it wouldn’t have been as nice as playing with and catching the attention of the only person he _gelled _with. It was immensely satisfying getting that look of acknowledgment, that incredibly rare look of awe after a _wicked cool_ play, or that occasional tease and heartfelt smile that he'd memorized from his teammate during those_ clutch _moments in games. The glance he received whenever he was where Tsukishima wanted him to be and received the ball like it was nobody’s business was one of the best moments of his life. Though he never heard him shout his name in a moment of excitement or clap for him and pat him on the back as other people had, Tsukishima expressing himself in his own special and quiet way was always appreciated and gratifying.

Even now, he looked towards Tsukishima and wondered if he’d for just a moment look at him and reassure him with a soft head nod or a barely noticeable smile. To not have that same invitation in his hands as he had, left him feeling slighted and inadequate. He’d done everything he could to improve himself over the course of the year; from extra practices before and after school, weekend practices with elementary and middle schoolers, trips with Tsukishima to Nekoma to play with Kenma and Kuroo, to trips with Tsukishima to Fukurodani to play with Kuroo, Kenma, Bokuto, and Akaashi to even random run-ins with his best friends Goshiki and Koganegawa around the prefecture, he’d done it all to get as much practice with the basics as he could all so he could stay playing by Tsukishima’s side. He’d thought being on a winning team and practicing like there was no tomorrow was enough, but considering he was empty handed, it seemed like he didn’t practice enough.

Totally embracing that reason, he decided then and there that he would crash the party again. He’d get the helpful training he needed and he would be there to practice with Tsukishima like he always liked to do. He couldn’t let him get further ahead and leave him behind. He couldn’t lose his special spot next to him. He couldn’t. He absolutely couldn’t. He would go to that training camp-

“Squirt, I know what you’re thinking.” Tsukishima’s voice tore him out of his thoughts. He was slow to respond as he wondered what exactly Tsukishima was referring to. Was it his desires to always be beside him on the court and get that attention and praise he wanted for him or was it the decision to crash the training camp, he didn’t know.

Karasuno players leaving the gym gave him the pause and distraction he needed to get his thoughts in order, though it was hard as he watched Oikawa and Kageyama act like they were the only two people in the world. Oikawa ruffled Kageyama’s hair fondly as they walked close enough to rub shoulders. Kageyama grumbled something or another as his cheeks glowed pink.

It warmed Hinata and filled him with a bit of envy. He wanted to have a special spot next to someone.

“Hinata?” Tsukishima asked as he waved his hands in front of his face.

“What?” Hinata answered before he sighed wistfully. He didn’t need to be as smart as Tsukishima to know he was only referring to him crashing the party. He wasn’t a mind reader. “I’m still going even if you tell me not to.” He answered as he chuckled for more than one reason.

“You want to be ball boy again, really?” Tsukishima said, surprised.

Hinata’s laugh died down as he groaned. “I don’t _want _to be ball boy. I _want _to play, but you got the invitation, not me, so…”

“Then stay here. Practice with the first years, I’m sure they’d love to practice with the _greatest decoy_.” Tsukishima suggested. “You are the reason they joined the team, you know,” he stressed with warmth and commendation.

Surprised to receive a compliment, Hinata brightened and smiled. 

“Don’t let it get to your head.” Tsukishima pushed his glasses up shielding his eyes and cheeks from him. He turned away as Hinata’s eyes reflected glee and gladness. “I’m just stating the facts. Those posters Yachi made in the off season as well as those replays of you on TV were practically everywhere. You’d have to literally have a heart of coal to not feel something from them.” Though he tried to speak dryly it was only an attempt. His tone and sentiments only made Hinata giggle and smile. Hearing such acknowledgements from Tsukishima’s lips made him feel way more special and amazing than he'd ever felt before.

“But anyway, if you don’t want to do that, you can always take a break or something. The training camp is just a day or two or something. I know you’re always _firing on all cylinders_ and practically _live and breathe_ volleyball, but even someone like you needs a break. Do remember that even someone like you can still fall ill and exhausted.” Tsukishima stressed as he finally pulled his hands away and stared at Hinata with eyes filled with concern and care. He scanned him over ever so briefly looking him over for any signs of tiredness and exhaustion.

Though Hinata liked having his eyes on him, he still groaned. “Ughhhhh don’t remind me. That was the worst day ever!”

He remembered falling exhausted during one of the most important games of their life. He’d tried to blot out that memory and all, but it was hard considering Tsukishima was the first one by his side and helped walk _slash _carry him off the court. It’d been as _embarrassing _as it was _heart-warming_ that he’d been the one to catch him, carry him, and comfort him as he cried his heart out in the infirmary.

“Was it really that bad?” Tsukishima said with a trace of disappointment and disagreement.

“Yeah, I thought so, considering,” Hinata’s voice trailed to silence as he quirked an eye briefly wondering how he didn’t agree with him. Then again, he wasn’t the one that fell injured so perhaps it wasn’t as traumatic for him as it was for himself. He still got nightmares about it. As he shivered from remembering his most recent crazy dream, he wondered if Tsukishima forgot what happened that day and needed to be reminded of everything that happened. “You had to leave the team when they needed you the most all because of me. It was such a let down to lose because neither of us were there, ya’ know?”

“Yeah, but we have two more years. It’s not like that was our only chance.” Tsukishima shrugged as he maintained an expression of apathy and something else that Hinata couldn’t understand.

“I mean yeah that’s true, but didn’t you want to stay on the court for one more rally? Play one more set. Play one more match?” Hinata scratched his head and smiled in the usual nervous way he did when he asked Tsukishima to explain a question for the _nth _time when he tutored him. He didn’t want to seem dumb in front of him. “You were into winning the tournament as much as everyone else was, unless I’m missing the point entirely,” he said after a brief pause.

Tsukishima’s mouth opened and closed like a blowfish. He repeated the motion several more times before he stopped and finally settled on what he wanted to say. “Say squirt, have you considered there’s more to volleyball than volleyball?”

_Huh_. Hinata shook his head unsure where Tsukishima was going with all of this.

“What? Really?” Tsukishima raised his eyebrows. “For someone with volleyball on the mind 24/7, I thought you’d at least have said something like _wanting to fly, _or something duller like _having fun_ while playing, at least, or _meeting new people_, and _going to new places. _But no answer? Really, Hinata?” Tsukishima spoke with serious concern. “You only care about winning and losing now? Has _his highness _worn off on you? Ushiwaka? Someone else entirely?”

“What, no, no, no!” Hinata felt offended and affronted like it was something he was supposed to know. “I mean I know all those things Tsukki. I just didn’t know where you were going with this, you’re confusing me big time today.”

“Am I?” Tsukishima wondered aloud. “I mean _his highness _gets it.”

“What?! No way!”

“Yes way. See for yourself,” Tsukishima said as Oikawa’s laugh reverberated through the gym.

Hinata quickly stared at them. He wasn’t surprised to see Oikawa teasing Kageyama. It was a familiar sight and one that often made him remember that Kageyama could do more than scowl. It seemed since spending even more time with him that he’d really become more open about his feelings, found the spark of happiness that he’d been missing in his life, and was doing everything possible to make up for all that missed time _living _like a normal teenager. That missed time included intimacy and romance as when Oikawa stuck his tongue out at him, Kageyama surprised him with a chaste kiss to the cheek. As Oikawa’s face turned a bright shade of red, he unleashed a string of _baka baka baka’s _which made Kageyama smirk proudly, glad to have one-upped him.

“Now do you get _it_?” Tsukishima tapped Hinata on the shoulder. He distracted him from watching the lovebirds exit the gym holding hands.

“What am I supposed to be getting? They do that all the time, ya’ know,” Hinata shrugged as he turned around. “Nothing out of the ordinary.” 

“Is it though, especially when it’s from the arguably most _hardcore _person on our team?” Tsukishima peered at him sagely. “The _king _valued volleyball over everything, but now...”

“Alright, alright, everyone it’s time to go home!” Coach Ukai clapped his hands and shouted. Tsukishima fell silent as the coach dismissed the team in his own way. Though even that dismissal was interrupted as Ittetsu whispered into his ear. He made him blush, before he left the gymnasium. “Enough gawking everyone go,” Ukai said once he got over his feelings. “Hinata, Yamaguchi choose two of the first years to help you clean and lock everything up. Get on, now.”

As the two boys in question declared their affirmations, Tsukishima placed a hand on Hinata’s shoulder. He held his gaze for a moment or two and just stared as if he was trying to put his thoughts into words but couldn’t. When Yamaguchi called for Hinata, Tsukishima finally broke eye contact. He mumbled as he looked at his feet. “Well, I’ll leave you to that.”

“Wait, you didn’t finish what you were saying,” Hinata said as the warmth spread from his shoulder to the rest of his body. It was as calming as it was alarming.

“Nothing, forget I said anything about it,” Tsukishima spoke distantly and sadly as he removed his hand. “If you haven’t _got it _by now then you probably wont ever _get it_.”

“Tsuk-

“Hinata are you gonna help me? I don’t want to be here all night!” Yamaguchi shouted with annoyance from the other side of the gym.

“Don’t hold him up now, he get’s pretty annoying when he’s sleepy.” Tsukishima walked away leaving Hinata just as lost and confused as he was when the conversation first started. How they’d gone from talking about the training camp to philosophy _mumbo-jumbo _was beyond him, but he couldn’t help but feel they were connected somehow and Tsukishima was, in the most roundabout and sagely way possible, trying to get him to realize it. He wished he would just flat out tell him instead of resorting to his _tutoring mode _where he purposefully withheld answers just so he could figure it out, _no matter how long it took_.

Groaning and grumbling, Hinata dug his hands in his hair before he shouted to the two nearest first years, much to their chagrin, and joined Yamaguchi.


	2. Tsukishima is an enigma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every since Tsukishima posed that question to Hinata, he's kept some distance between them. Conversations have been kept to short quips, looks from afar have been kept to a minimum, and study dates have been canceled. Hinata has tried to understand what changed between them, but he just can't reach an answer.

The week leading to the training camp was the most trying time in Hinata’s life. Distractions upon distractions piled up on him as he spent any and every waking moment deep in thought over Tsukishima’s philosophical _mumbo-jumbo_. Not only did it come out of nowhere, but finding an answer to it was harder than anything he’s ever been asked before. While questions asked on a quiz or a test had a clearly defined answer, Tsukishima’s question had numerous answers. Any and everything he saw seemed like a viable solution to the problem at hand.

His favorite chocolate milk, his favorite manga, and his favorite pair of sneakers were all things that he loved so much that, at times, they were certainly on his mind more than volleyball. Take his chocolate milk—drinking that milky, sweet, savory, chocolatey goodness filled him with so much peace and joy at lunch that it became one of his most favorite things to do at school. That chocolate milk was so important, in fact, that drinking it was his motivation to get through the classes that always seemed to drag on, threaten to put him to sleep, and made him struggle to understand complex subjects like math or literature.

His manga were also important to him. He carried them in his book bag, kept some in his cubby in the clubroom, kept some at Tsukishima’s place, and had so many in his room that he had them stacked on the floor because the bookshelf was packed. While he wasn’t an _otaku _by any means he liked to think, he really loved reading all these fantastic and magical stories that he could escape to and live out his dreams. He always wanted to fly high and freely go wherever he wanted whenever he wanted. While he was drawn to volleyball because it let him fly, it was, at the end of the day, but a taste of the feeling he craved. But those stories in manga, wow, he could close his eyes, picture himself in them, and spend all his time daydreaming the days away visualizing himself as his favorite flying heroes. 

And his shoes, while they were a nondescript white, dingy, and showed their age, they were his favorite pair ever and brought him insurmountable luck. He wore them when he needed to get a passing grade, when he needed to really beat Kageyama before and after school, when they were playing a big game, and, well, when he hoped his mom would cook his favorite meal. He couldn’t imagine going through life without them.

Now that he thought about it, the only times that volleyball was important to him was when he was actively playing it. Then, he was lost in the high-spirited emotions and incredible fun of the moment as he played with his friends and classmates. Any other time, well he didn’t care that much for it. Though he didn’t know if this was because he couldn’t exactly play it all the time or if he really just didn’t like it as much as he liked to say he liked it. His friends from middle school didn’t play it, his sister didn’t play it, and the closest classmate he lived near, Tsukishima, wasn’t exactly a person he could ask to come over and play _catch ball _with. With how low energy and low maintenance Tsukishima tried to be as he coasted through life in his own special way, he wouldn’t exert himself if he didn’t have to. Even something as simple as asking Tsukishima to be his tutor was a major undertaking and challenge for him. Tsukishima wasn’t exactly a fan of the idea until Hinata agreed that he would always come to the Tsukishima residence instead of the other way around.

While Hinata was all smiles and giggles at the time, even bumping elbows and joking with him until he got one of Tsukishima’s infamous eye rolls and tongue clicks of aggravation, a sound he loved, a part of him couldn’t help but feel sad and disappointed that he didn’t want to come over his house. He’d only been jazzed and hyped up about studying because of the potential to finally have a friend at his house. He always wanted to bring friends over to his house, have some fun, chat about random stuff, and heck even do homework if it came down to it.

His home was so lonely and so quiet, and like this journey to the training camp on this cold winter day, pretty chilly. It’s not that there weren’t aspects of warmth to it as his mom and sister were always great to have around, but there was always some cold and lonely chill lurking that whenever they left him alone, he felt like all his energy and happiness was sapped out of him. Wanting to ignore it and escape, he often curled on the couch, immersed himself in a manga, and let his mind and its power of creativity and imagination warm his heart. The thoughts the stories conjured were so amazing and wonderful that it fulfilled him in a way that nothing in his home life could. It was like there he was surrounded by so many warm and wonderful people and could achieve his hopes, dreams, and aspirations with them as they went off on larger than life adventures. Full of the spirit of courage, of romance, of drama, and of courage, he’d lose himself so much in it he would be a goofy, smiling, laughing, blushing mess that his mom and sister would make of him for it.

The memory caused him to burst out laughing as he finally reached Shiratorizawa. His family was fun, his adventures and imagination was fun, and honestly, he thought he was pretty fun. He just wished there was some way to make that fun last and take over his entire home life. He wanted it to finally push the cold dreariness that always lurked to the deep dark recesses of his house and to never make itself apparent again. And most of all he wanted a friend, someone, anyone, to come into his house and push all of that away and share their warmth with him.

Something in his heart stirred and gave him pause as he grabbed his rucksack out of the basket and situated his bicycle. Something about the thoughts he just expressed on his bicycle ride to Shiratorizawa as well as Tsukishima’s philosophical _mumbo-jumbo _made him think that they were linked. He felt that it was so. There was something pretty big, something pretty obvious, and something pretty wonderful that he knew from the very bottom of his heart was the answer and solution to both of these larger than life issues, but he just couldn’t visualize it clearly.

That critical thinking to see the unseen was responsible for his silent and perhaps mindless wandering into the Shiratorizawa gym where he acted on muscle memory. Without a word of acknowledgment to anyone, he made his way to the sidelines and assumed a position he was all too familiar with; he stood on the balls of his feet, with his knees bent, elbows loose and limber, and his eyes keenly focused on the ball, or that was what he was supposed to be doing but he was still deep in the recesses of his mind.

He was so deep, however, that by the time he realized a ball was flying towards him it was too late to do anything. It hit him between the eyes with so much force that he was knocked backwards and off his feet. Airborne, he wryly smiled to himself as his dreams of flying were finally realized in a way he never expected. He spread his arms and legs far and wide and let the little bit of wind coast over him. It felt good.

He wanted to relish that moment and enjoy it for all it was worth, but like his dreams that always ended so abruptly and harshly, he was knocked back into reality. He hit his head on something soft like that of a cushion before he landed on the floor. Unlike at home where he ended up in a tangled pile with his blankets, body pillow, and plush animals that broke and cushioned his fall, he was only a tangle of limbs as aches and pains throbbed throughout his body as the solid cement-like floor did it’s best to him

As he groaned loudly and clearly, Koganegawa was by his side.

“My bad, my bad Sho, my bad!” He bowed an apology to end all apologies as he looked at the floor with tears and fears in his eyes.

“It’s alright, Kogane, really!” Hinata insisted as he rubbed his aching bones. Seeing his friend’s sad, hurt way more than the pain he felt from his bones. “It was my fault really. Not you, don’t blame yourself. Really Kogane. Stop.”

“Bu-”

“You heard him Kogane, it’s alright,” Goshiki said as he stood beside him. He looked at his two friends with deep concern in his eyes as if he wanted to do something to stop the tallest of the three from crying, but to also do something to tend to the more injured of the group.

Behind him, several of Hinata’s other friends, Kunimi, Kindaichi, and even Tsukishima, approached and stood around them. Each cast concern filled eyes on poor Hinata.

“It isn’t alright, he’s bleeding. A lot,” Kunimi added with a certain terseness aimed at Koganegawa. Koganegawa winced as he went into another reverent bow. His eyes were full of tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Hinata. If I wasn’t such a _klutz_ and sent the ball way over here like an idiot would, then you wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m so sorry. What can I do to make up for it?”

“I told you its fine Kogane, really, and you too Kunimi. And everyone look, I’m fine, I’m fine.” Hinata smiled brightly as he jumped to his feet. Though he was a bit _weebly _and _wobbly _on his feet, he sent them a convincing smile reassuring them that he was _a-okay_.

“Man you don’t look fine to me,” Kindaichi answered as he pointed to his face. “Like Kunimi said, you’re bleeding. You don’t feel anything?”

“Nooo,” Hinata’s voice trailed off like he was on a wave as he bobbled and toppled over.

“Hinata!” Kindaichi exclaimed as he, quick on his feet, grabbed him and kept him from hitting the floor.

Hinata laughed derisively as he dangled in his friend’s arms. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me, things just suddenly went all out of focus and I got all light on my feet. Nothing to worry about though. I’ll be-”

“Why don’t you sit out Hinata. You’re clearly not feeling well,” Kunimi said as he interrupted him.

“But.”

“No,” he repeated as he looked at Kindaichi for support.

Kindaichi nodded. “Kuni’s right, no playing for you until later.”

Hinata grabbed his friend’s arm and moaned as if he’d been wounded. “But Kindaichi!” 

“Stop it Hinata, no, is a no, don’t do that!” Kindaichi tried to shake him off and avoid looking at him but it was hard as he stared at him like he was a wounded puppy. Unable to avoid those eyes, he nearly relented before Kunimi turned his head away.

“Cut it Hinata or else we’ll take you to the coach where you can sit beside him. He’s been watching you with interest the whole time. I’m sure he’ll have some _choice_ words for you.”

“Okay that’s even worst, really, really worst!” Hinata turned ghastly as he imagined the old coach giving him one of his lessons again. While he liked the advice, something about him always scared him and frightened him into standing upright and speaking as politely as possible. It was exhausting and tough but he didn’t want to be sent home for being _unenthusiastic _and acting in a way that was _unbecoming _of a volleyball player under his care, even if temporary.

“Kogane, since you were the cause of all of this, you sit with him in case another one of those spells hits him. If it does then we really gotta tell the coach,” Goshiki added as the coach stood and looked ready to come over. He quickly waved and mouthed that everything was fine.

Koganegawa pouted as he spoke under his breath. “But shouldn’t Tsukki, they are friends, aren’t they?”

“It was your ball that hit him,” Kunimi answered frankly.

“Fine.”

As Kunimi, Kindaichi, and Goshiki went back to the court, Hinata was left with Koganegawa who looked so small, fragile, and vulnerable as he stood beside him in silence. Totally repentant, and somberly apologetic, his lips quivered and his eyes watered as he struggled to carry the full brunt of the guilt of hurting his friend. As if the feeling was too overwhelming and unbearable, he sniffled and whimpered and just about cried until Hinata rubbed his friend’s shoulders and whispered soft words of comfort.

Receptive, Koganegawa wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close, as if he were trying to both comfort him and protect him from any other stray ball that would come their way. It took every bit of self-control Hinata had to resist giggling and smiling from his theatrics. Seeing someone as tall and quite imposing as Koganegawa get this emotional and distressed was kind of funny, especially considering how most of the Datekou players were. Futakuchi, who was always so antagonistic for better or for worse, and Aone, the strong, silent type except when reeling his Futakuchi in, never seemed the type to get as emotional as this. Koganegawa, on the other hand, stood out like a sore thumb. He was so different. He was sincere, humble, and not afraid to wear his feelings on his sleeves. Hinata and the others found these qualities within him and more to be magnetic, where they naturally gravitated towards him and hung around him. He was a great guy, a really great one, but in moments like these he could be so quick to cry.

Hinata’s thoughts were interrupted as he quite clearly heard Tsukishima click his tongue in annoyance and send them a very scathing, scolding, scowling glance all at once. While he tried to be sneaky and secretive about it, turning his head as soon as he realized he made a sound, Hinata couldn’t miss the way that he still seemed quite interested in them. Over the course of the next few moments, Tsukishima angled his head ever so casually in their direction, squinted through his glasses, and deeply peered at them as if he were looking for something. Hinata thought of smiling and letting him know he was watching him, but when the coach suddenly called for him, Tsukishima turned away and returned to the court.

Having Tsukishima’s eyes on him gave him some relief and made him feel just a little better about his situation, though it also reminded him of why he was so conked out and unfocused in the first place. Tsukishima’s actions over the course of the week were just as hard to understand as that question was. Ever since that day, Tsukishima kept their interactions to a minimum. He only spoke in short quips here and there as they stood side-by-side on the court. Outside of practice, he largely avoided him and spent his time with Yamaguchi or in his classroom with his headphones on and volume up so loud that he could ignore him. Their after school tutoring sessions were cancelled at the last minute for reasons he didn’t know as well. Then today, he suddenly decided to pay attention to him again, like what?

Hinata sighed and scratched his head as he tried to understand Tsukishima Kei. He was such an enigma.

“Uh Hinata?” Koganegawa shook him and looked him in the eye.

“What?”

Koganegawa leaned forward and looked right directly into his eyes as if he were examining him for something. “What’s up with you, you were out of it for a while. You okay or should I get the coach?”

Hinata waved his hands and leaned backwards. “No, no, no, no I’m fine. I’m fine. I was just thinking.”

“Really?” Koganegawa asked skeptically. “It must be something really complicated and serious if it got you thinking so hard that you missed the calls for dinner.”

“Wait, really?” Hinata _face-palmed_ and groaned. He hated missing meals especially at Shiratorizawa. They always had some of the best food for training camps.

“Yeah, really, the first years are coming to get you.” He patted him on the back. “You’re helping them serve us since you’re, you know.”

“Don’t remind me,” Hinata groaned.

Koganegawa smiled reassuringly. “Look, we’ll hit the ball a little after we eat or something. We’ll get you off the sidelines and playing somehow, I know we will.”

Though he grinned cheerfully, and even pat him sympathetically, Hinata didn’t feel anything from his words. To him they sounded emotionless and flat and left him looking for that one person who could always stir something within his chest and fulfill him in a way that he couldn’t even describe. A sense of longing and urgency overcame him as he searched for him. He just wanted to see him, to lock eyes with him, and to just feel his presence and know that he was there and paying attention to him. That desire, that thirst for his friend’s attention and the gratification it would bring, left him fretfully looking hither and thither for Tsukishima as he couldn’t find him anywhere. He wasn’t in the usual spot with their friend’s. He wasn't teasing, laughing, and rolling his eyes at them. He wasn’t reluctantly helping put the balls away as if it were a drag. He wasn’t even sitting on the bench with his glasses off and a towel over his eyes as he leaned back in the way he usually did when he was too exhausted to be bothered yet would still make a point to tease him. Distressed that he couldn’t find him, Hinata shifted uneasily and fidgeted. He needed him.

“Tsukki already left,” Koganegawa said as he placed a hand on Hinata’s knee steadying him.

“But.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it.” Koganegawa rubbed his head and averted his eyes. “The others said or, well, never mind. Anyway, we should go, you have to serve us remember?” He chuckled as he shook his knee before he freed him. He stood and beckoned him to come along.

Hinata peered at him inquisitively wondering how he knew who he was looking for or even what the others said, but with the promise that Tsukishima hadn’t abandoned him or vanished, he set a smile on his face and followed Koganegawa to the cafeteria.

There they parted ways as Hinata donned an apron and stood beside the first years. As player after player came up to indulge in the rich meaty and ricey goodness of the food before him his attention slowly and steadily waned. Still wanting to find Tsukishima, he searched for him in between the spaces between the players he served. It was until the ling finally died down that he finally saw him.

He wished he would look his way and make eye contact with him instead of looking at his food with extreme and utter focus. Unlike before where he seemed to have eyes on him even while he wasn’t looking, now it seemed as if he were exerting to ignore him. Something unsettling set in Hinata’s heart as he softly whimpered for his attention, like a lonely puppy craving his parent’s attention.

“Uh Hinata?” The first year manager-in-training beside him, whose name he couldn’t remember, poked him on the shoulder. “You okay buddy?”

Hinata brushed him off as he sadly stared at Tsukishima. His friend sat and ignored the ones around him as they laughed and poked him on the side. Even when Koganegawa started standing, shouting, and howling like a wolf for some insane reason, Tsukishima sat stoic and immobile. It was like he wasn’t even there as the others had a mighty good time around him.

Hinata was confused. He didn’t understand why Tsukishima was acting so aloof and distant. He was supposed to be having a good time with their friends who they didn’t see all that much. He should have been with them teasing them, joining in with them, or brushing them off and playfully calling the lot of them idiots. Then they were all supposed to deny it and bug him to no end until he took it back. Sure it was silly and all but it was just how they were. It was how their little friend group showed their friendship and love for another.

Utterly perplexed he suddenly felt _weebly _and _wobbly _again. The world spun around him and faded in and out. He closed his eyes to stop the feeling but it didn’t relent. It kept doing whatever it was doing. Off-balanced and nauseous from the feeling he felt light headed and weak. He soon fell forward. As his ladle and hand hit the table he bumped into it rather harshly and loudly getting the attention of not only the manager-in-training beside him but a few others.

“Hinata, Hinata, buddy, this way, this way.” An arm wrapped itself around his shoulder and guided away from the table and to a chair where he sat down. He slumped forward. Groaning, he wished more than anything to be relieved of all that he felt currently. He didn’t understand what was happening to him. He didn’t understand at all and it drove him sick and mad and agitated and everything.

As he dropped his head, face-planting to the lunch desk below, a sharp pain and unrelenting pain literally traveled from his head to his neck and down his back.

“Wow Hinata, Kogane really did a number on you,” Kindaichi’s low and soft voice pulled him out of the muck that was his mind. Things slowly cleared in his head as the throbbing and pain subsided. For just a moment he cracked his eyes open and raised his head. Though he quickly covered them from the light that was suddenly bright, insanely bright that it felt like lasers were being aimed directly into his head. He winced as another sharp pain raced through his body.

“Hinata! Hinata!” His friends voices echoed around them as they circled him like a mother would it’s child.

“Guys don’t worry about me, don’t let me ruin your fun. I’m fine. Just a little dizzy and light headed.” Hinata added as kept his eyes closed and face planted against the table. It felt so good. “Really don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“Idiot, we _are_ going to worry when you act like this,” Tsukishima’s voice pierced the cacophony of worry his friend’s caused silencing them.

“So now you decide to pay attention to me?” Hinata spat before he internally cursed himself for how harsh and angry his voice sounded. He didn’t mean to sound that way, but with the way his world was spinning and his head was aching, he felt annoyed. Everyone worrying over him letting him ruin their fun was already bad enough but to have Tsukishima doing his usual Tsukishima thing to him was too much, especially with how _topsy turvy _he was acting now.

“Hey! Chill Hinata, he’s only trying to help,” Kindaichi tapped him gently.

“Then he can help in a much better way, like being quiet and leaving me alone like he’s done all week. He’s the reason why this even started to begin with.” Hinata said as his heart grew restless and broken. He knew he needed to shut himself up, but he couldn’t. Everything felt like it came crashing down and he knew getting everything off his chest was the only way to feel better. Even if the words he said hurt, even if the words he said were harmful, even if the words he said was going to push Tsukishima even further away than he was, he didn’t care. He just needed to get these things off his chest. “If I wasn’t having to think so much about him, then maybe I’d be smiling and joining all of you over there, instead of sitting here wondering if he hates me or something.”

“Why would Tsukishima hate you, he’s been looking at you this entire time?” Goshiki asked as he shot them both a look of concern.

“Cause he hasn’t said anything to be at all and he hasn’t even looked at me. It’s like he’s avoiding me like the plague or something. I-I-I-I-I just don’t get it.” Hinata’s voice cracked. “If he wants to avoid me so much then he should just go away or something and leave me alone. I don’t need him around if he’s going to be such a bother.”

Tsukishima turned his gaze downwards away from the others. He bit his lip tightly in thought. No one missed the way guilt was written all over his face.

Kunimi sighed tiredly as he hoped to diffuse the situation. “Since it’s been a long day, why don’t we put whatever this thing is between you two on hold and resume our normal activities. Tsukishima can go with Goshiki, Kindaichi, and I to clean up and get ready for bed, while Koganegawa can go with Hinata to find some place to sleep for the time being. I’m not sure what the sleeping arrangements are for him since this _staying overnight _thing is new.” He said as he looked outside. Snow was steadily falling, reminding everyone of the new safety measure put in place to keep them safe from traveling to and fro.

“Yeah, clearly Hinata needs to rest considering that major injury Kogane gave him,” Kindaichi teased as he tried to lighten the mood. “It’s no wonder he’s acting all weird and saying things he doesn’t mean right now. His brain’s been all jumbled and turned to mush.”

“It is not!” Koganegawa moaned. “He was normal just a moment ago! I’m sure he’s just tired. Yeah he’s just tired considering he biked his way here, had nothing to eat or drink, and been thinking too long and hard about stuff all evening!”

The others laughed while teasing Koganegawa before they went their separate ways. He once again helped Hinata stand and led to a much quieter and relaxing place.

Hinata didn’t really know where they went. For the entire walk he kept his eyes closed as he leaned on Koganegawa for support. Too mentally unstable, tired, and still perplexed, he was too distracted to focus on anything else but Tsukishima. He wanted him to explain himself, he wanted him to say something during their brief spat, but he didn’t and it left him woefully confused.

He didn’t understand why he was so distant. He didn’t understand why he remained quiet and _mum _about things when he clearly had an opportunity to talk to him. But more importantly, he didn’t understand why he himself was feeling so hurt by it. He had disagreements and shouting matches with Kageyama before and while he did feel bad about it and apologized it didn’t make his chest tighten, his breathing hard, or make his head hurt like this thing with Tsukishima did. The moments Kageyama ignored him and practically avoided him, never sent him yearning, begging, craving, and whining for his attention like this thing with Tsukishima had. And overall, anything he did with Kageyama easily fell the wayside, _out of sight and out of mind, _while this thing with Tsukishima was impossible send away. It was doing something to him that he entirely didn’t understand. All he knew was that it hurt not hearing him, speaking to him, and seeing him.

Hurting and in pain, Hinaya leaned ever closer to Koganegawa as he walked him to wherever. Oddly he was unusually quiet and only made his presence known as he squeezed him just a little tighter and led him deeper into the school. It may have felt warm or nice but Hinata was in too deep to feel anything but sadness.

This feeling only intensified as their walk grew longer. It eventually made Hinata stand still which prompted Koganegawa to sit, no, lay him down on one of the many couches. There Hinata curled into a little tiny ball, wrapped his arms around his legs, whimpered, and cried. Deep gut wrenching sobs came out of his being as Koganegawa sat with him. He rubbed his arms, pulled his shoes off and eventually grabbed one of his hands. He let him squeeze it for all he could as if it was the only thing keeping him anchored from going even deeper into these sad and depressing feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> explain yourself tsukishima, the chapter


	3. You're the answer, you were always the answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata hated what he said last night, so much so that he knows he needs to make things right, but will Tsukishima be open to hearing him?

Hinata woke up with a start. His heartbeat raced as his breathing was haggard and muffled. It was as if he were amid something that left him feeling crushed and defeated. Unable to bear it, he rolled off the couch he lay on and curled in on himself as he lay on the floor. It was cold. It was lonely.

It was a feeling that reminded him of the worst parts of being home, the time when his mom and sister left the house while he stayed there. That cold dreadful feeling of being alone drove him to huddle under layers of blankets and covers on the coach. He would shiver and shake as he lay there afraid of being alone. At times, he cried himself asleep and often only moved once they’d returned.

Realizing he wasn’t home, he quickly jumped to his feet. Still _weebly _and _wobbly _he swayed and tilted only remaining on his feet because he hit a wall. It was clear he was in some lounge as he realized it was a window that he leaned on and beside him was the couch. He vaguely knew where he was.

He was in one of the teacher’s office on the first floor that overlooked the front courtyard. Outside, just beyond his reflection that made him look frightened and afraid like a lonely and abandoned puppy was a beautiful snowscape. Inches of snow coated everything. Icicles dangled from rooftops. Halos formed around the light posts. Simply beautiful, he calmed just a little bit.

When the wind howled, shook the window, and came through in little wafts through the cracks, he shivered, clattered his teeth, and pulled the cover around him snuggly and tightly. That fear that scared him, made its return and made him race, barefooted and shirtless, out of the room. He went searching for someone, anyone, to keep him company during such a lonely and cold time.

He knew it was silly, unrealistic, and unbecoming of him be this needy of a comforting presence or emotional support right now, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to get through this spell right now and he didn’t want to do it sitting all alone in some cold and empty teacher’s lounge away from everyone.

And away from everyone it felt as room after room after room in the school was empty and silent. It was like he was the only one there as he went past closet, room, and corridor. When he finally reached a cafeteria, he fortunately found signs of life.

“Hinata? You should be resting,” the same manager-in-training kid from earlier spoke with alarm as he spotted him.

Not wanting to go back from whence he came, Hinata pulled the blanket around him tighter and mumbled. “Tsukki. I'm looking for Tsukishima.”

The kid approached him and put a hand around his shoulders, as if to guide him. “He should be sleeping like you.” He said. “Why don’t I take you back to the lounge where you can rest?”

“No!” Hinata said empathetically before he lowered his voice. The manager balked. “I meant. No. I just need to see him for a moment. It’s important and can’t wait. Something happened that I need his help with. You know where he is?”

“But we were told to take you back so the coaches can look at you first thing in the morning.”

“Please. It'll only be quick and Tsukki can take me back. He always follows the rules.” Hinata begged as he wrestled out of his grasp. “Come on and you can see I’m fine.” Hinata tried to convince him with a smile and a jump, though it was hard. His smile felt fake and stilted while his jump was low and unbalanced. His smile faded as he grimaced as he struggled to regain his balance. He didn’t even need to be a genius to know he didn’t convince the kid. If anything, the kid looked even more convinced that he needed to be taken back to the lounge.

Hinata’s only hope, however, came when Kindaichi approached from behind them. “Hinata?”

“I was looking for Tsukki,” Hinata responded readily.

“I was trying to get him to go back to the teacher’s lounge,” The manager-in-training interrupted. “Goshiki senpai's orders.”

Hinata turned and begged Kindaichi. “Please take me to him. I need to see him.”

“I can handle it from here,” Kindaichi said as he patted the kid’s shoulder as he sent him on his way. “Hinata's just out of it. No hard feelings alright.”

“Right,” The kid scurried off to the other side of the cafeteria.

Once gone, Kindaichi lowered his voice and led Hinata towards the dormitories. “You really don’t look so good, what happened?”

“Nothing happened.” Hinata lied. “Just tired s‘all.”

“You look more than tired. Especially with what was up earlier. What was that? You've never said those types of things before.” He paused and looked at him as he were offended by the tone of his voice and the sharp words he had with Tsukishima earlier that evening.

Apologetic, Hinata lowered his voice and looked at the floor with guilt in his eyes. “I know. That’s why I came to see him.” It was partially true. He’d wanted a familiar presence to get him over his loneliness, but he also wanted to get to the bottom of this thing. He needed to know what Tsukishima did to him to make him long, desire, crave his presence and occupy his mind all the time.

“You couldn’t wait until the morning though? I mean, he might not be in the mood to listen, let along talk to you after you pushed him away.”

“I.” Hinata fell silent and pulled the blanket around him tighter. Regret overcame him as tears welled in his eyes. He hugged himself and softly whimpered. He thought of turning away, going back to the teacher's lounge and crying himself to sleep. He didn’t deserve to see Tsukishima. He didn’t have the right to spend time with him. He didn't. He really didn’t.

Those thoughts ceased as Kindaichi pulled him into a side hug and squeezed him. His voice was compassionate and light. “I’m just giving you a hard time man. I’m sure he'll listen to you. Like he was looking at you so much tonight and it looked like it practically killed him to not be able to do anything while we were on separate teams, while you were sitting with Kogane, and even afterwards. Heck, he even spent some time with you in the teacher’s lounge while you slept. We had to drag him to sleep.” He chuckled.

Hinata's whimpering and crying slowed as he smiled. Something about knowing that Tsukishima still cared in his own mysterious ways brought the lightest bit of warmth to his heart.

Though Kindaichi’s tone was light, a certain seriousness returned to it. “Still man. You gotta apologize to him. What you said wasn’t cool. Not cool at all. It hurt him you know.”

“I know, I really know I did.” Hinata spoke regrettably and painfully before he clenched a fist. He spoke to himself seriously and solemnly as he swore to make things right.

Kindaichi was silent as he led him to a dorm room. Hinata missed all the sights and sounds as he wondered what sorts of things Tsukishima might even say to him, if he even listened. Knowing him, he might have been so hurt that he might not even want to talk to him again, let alone see him.

“Hey man, what’d I just say?” Kindaichi stopped before he squeezed him. “Of all of us, he’d listen to you, you know, so get out of your head that he won’t have an ear for you. You know he cares about you a lot.”

Hinata stood unconvinced.

“Trust me, he does.” Kindaichi’s smile never wavered as if he truly and honestly believed what he was saying. It was hard for Hinata to downplay or deny what he said when he looked at him like that. “He’s probably so worried about you and so anxious about what to say to you when he sees you in the morning that he can’t sleep at all. So, go on, don’t leave him hangin’. Get in there and say what you gotta say. You got this Hinata, you really do.” He ruffled Hinata’s hair before he set him free. “Good luck man, you got this, I know you do.” He repeated and nodded with the same level of sincerity as before.

Hinata nodded and smiled as he took all that positive energy and friendly support he was offered to heart. The doubts, misgivings, and fears that started to convince him that this was a bad idea went away. Kindaichi emanated so much encouragement and reassurance that it was impossible to feel discouraged, afraid, and doubtful over speaking to Tsukishima.

Enthusiastic about the prospect of talking to his friend, Hinata gripped the door knob with enthusiasm. As the door opened, however, the darkness of the room and the slight chill it contained washed over him and made his fears of being cold and lonely return. His hand never left the door knob as he shivered and shook. He all but closed the door, but Kindaichi was behind him. He pushed the door open and poked his head in. He looked over the room once or twice before sighing to himself and pulling away.

Hinata turned to him questioningly.

“Kunimi’s already asleep, was going to, you know?” He blushed as his voice trailed away. “We don’t get many opportunities to you know, sleep together, and this was, yeah.” He shook his head as he abandoned any and all thoughts he had about it. “Anyway, you go on, Tsukishima looks awake. Bottom bunk.”

Unsure if he’d observed something that was supposed to be a secret or if he’d totally missed the signs, Hinata remained mum. He nodded and internally swore to not speak of this until the two were ready to make it known to the others.

Oddly, it made him smile just a little bit as it was another sign that someone around him had that special someone in their life who they could count on as their support. For just a moment, he looked into the room and stared at Tsukishima’s figure, wondering if he would gladly be his support. Would he be someone to let him sleep with him? Would he be someone to keep company when he felt so lonely and abandoned? Would he be someone to provide some type of clarity in his life giving him the answers he needed to understand the turmoil and confusion in his heart?

That desire for Tsukishima to be his special someone led him into the room. He stood beside the bed and looked at his friend’s quiet figure. Turned away from the door, all he saw was his friend looking so unlike himself. While his blond hair glowed in the dim and slowly fading light as the door closed shut, his face looked like he was distraught. In pain and perhaps despair from the feelings he’d experienced through the past few hours as well as the uncertainty over his friend’s predicament, Hinata couldn’t blame him for looking like that. Wanting to do something about it, he ditched the covers that he’d found comfort in, climbed right on up in Tsukishima’s bed and positioned himself right against the wall.

Tsukishima stirred and stared at him with a look filled with shock and surprise. He was just about to get up but Hinata quickly grabbed his wrist reassuring him that he wasn’t some intruder. He was just him, his friend who was very near and dear to his heart. To convince him, he snuggled beneath the covers and just looked right at him, hoping he didn’t have to say anything and Tsukishima would follow suite instead of running away.

Oddly, Tsukishima did, as he repositioned himself comfortably making a bit more room for Hinata. Quietly and considerately he pulled the blankets and comforters on top of the two of them.

The warmth from the covers as well as from Tsukishima made Hinata wiggle and squirm until he was pressed close against him. He wanted, no, he needed to feel his friend’s presence. He needed to immerse himself in it, and he needed to lap it up like a dog thirsty for its refreshing and soothing water on a hot and hard day. Honestly, being around Tsukishima brought him so much relief that he felt refreshed as if he’d dipped himself in the most massaging, calming, and pleasant of hot baths he'd ever been in and the smell…wow. The wonderful sweet and savory Tsukishima _berries'n’crème _aroma that he only rarely caught whenever they traveled was so delightful and peaceful that he just had to brush his nose against Tsukishima and sniff it up.

His friend’s presence, warmth, and smell did such a number on Hinata that all the sadness, all the unbearable feelings of turmoil and distress, and all the pain that’d made his heart ache vanished. Somehow something about Tsukishima just made all his problems go away. It was like he was not only the cause of his problems but also the solution to it. Without even thinking he pulled his head away from his chest and locked eyes with him.

“Why?” He croaked before he cleared his throat. He tried again much louder and more emphatically this time. “Why Tsukki! Why! Why are you-”

A stirring on the top bunk prompted Tsukshima to cover Hinata's mouth. He whispered tersely. “Shush or talk lower. You know how Kunimi gets when he's disturbed in the middle of the night. I, for one would like to go without a bruise or black eye from a pillow slammed way too hard.”

Hinata would have chuckled from the memory but his mind was too preoccupied with getting his question answered. He needed to know why Tsukishima made him feel this way. He needed to know how he weaseled his way into the core of his being, wrapped his fingers around his heart, and tugged him all _willy nilly _about as if he were a plaything. Unwilling to sit quiet, he shook his head forcefully to break free of Tsukishima's hold.

“No.” Though he said that he still spoke with the frustration and exhaustion of a child ready to give up after trying their hardest to fit the wrong puzzle pieces together. He needed a solution and he wanted it now. “Tell me Tsukki. Tell me why or how you’re doing this to me and make it stop or something. Please.”

“What are you talking about?” Genuine confusion laced Tsukishima's voice.

“This, this, this, all of this. How come you’re on my mind all the time? No matter when or where I’m at, I’m reminded of you. When I'm all alone at home, all alone here, even when I'm not and standing with our friends and everything I'm looking for you, wanting you to look at me, smile at me, say something to me. I don’t get it Tsukki. I don’t get it at all.” Hinata clasped Tsukishima’s shirt and shook him bit by bit as if he could get an answer out of him. Honestly and sincerely distraught over the matter he had no clue what to do, say, or think anymore. He really didn’t.

Though the bunk above squeaked, Tsukishima remained silent and immobile. He was unsure of what he could say or do to get Hinata to calm down.

“You don’t get it do you?” Not taking his silence for good, Hinata clutched Tsukishima in grave desperation. His voice cracked as he pulled him closer. “You don’t do you. You really don't?” Tears fell from his eyes as sobs suddenly wracked his body. His grip loosened as he just about lost it, but Tsukishima was quick to grab his hand.

“I don't,” Tsukishima fell silent as Hinata wept as if the words he said were heartbreaking and tragic.

Hinata wanted to unclasp their hands and run away but he couldn’t. He needed stay right where he was and address the unsettled feelings in his heart and mind. Being under the sheet with Tsukishima, pressed up against him, and holding his hand, were all things his heart wanted, no, needed, and he couldn’t deny it.

“Then why don’t you? Why don’t you get it?” He gripped their connected hand tighter and looked at him. Though it was dark, he still felt as if Tsukishima was staring right at him, intently focused on him with a look filled with compassion and sympathy.

“Because, I don’t get you,” Tsukishima admitted simply and blankly after a moment of hesitation. “You’re an enigma, a conundrum, a puzzle that I just can’t figure out. Every time I think I understand you, you do something like this and throw me for a loop.” He flipped over in avoidance as his voice fell faint. Hinata pressed himself closer to hear him. “Of course I wouldn’t get it when you suddenly get all close and touchy with Kogane, then talk to me like I’m trash and act like you don’t want to see me ever again, then only a few hours later, you show up in the middle of the night, invite yourself under my covers, and then this, you know.” He squeezed their connected hands and sighed. “You’re confusing me.”

Hinata’s tears stopped as he sat in hesitation, confused.

“What do you want from me?” Tsukishima whispered as his voice wavered. “My company or my distance?”

“I should be asking you that!” Surprised, Hinata spoke emphatically as he squeezed their hands. “You were the one avoiding me like I was a _googly-eyed _monster or something. Do you know how much it hurt to be ignored like that? Huh, do you?”

“I wasn’t avoiding or ignoring you.” Tsukishima denied as he turned over. “I was giving you space to think. Since you were so focused on something or another, I thought you needed the distance.”

“That’s still avoiding me!”

“No, it isn’t,” Tsukishima spoke defiantly as he shook his head. He disrupted the covers and made them fall away from the two of them. As the soft moonlight, intensified from the snowing sky outside, illuminated their part of the room in such a way they saw each other, he averted his eyes. “One is purposefully deceitful and the other is purposefully considerate. I’ll have you know, I was being considerate of your needs.”

Hinata rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well whatever it was I wish you told me or something. This whole time I thought you didn’t want me around you anymore.”

“Says the one that told me to go away.” Tsukishima mumbled.

Tsukishima’s voice tugged on Hinata’s heartstrings and made him tear up for just the briefest moments. The hurt, pain, and betrayal he felt from his friend was uncomfortable and made him want to do whatever he could to make it go away. He couldn’t bear seeing or hearing Tsukishima like that. It was unusual and unlike him.

“I didn’t mean it that way, okay.” Hinata spoke clearly and honestly. “It was just my tiredness from getting here, my disappointment with being unable to play, then the ball to my face, and everything was just too much…So I’m sorry if I said something that really hurt you, okay, I’ll do better next time and listen to you. Alright?”

Tsukishima was quiet and unmoving as he lay there and stared out the window as if he were deep in thought.

As a moment turned to several, the silence grew heavy, stifling, and unbearable for Hinata. He sat in deep trepidation and fear as he dreaded the words his friend would say. His mind ran wild with the possibilities. He just knew Tsukishima would unlink their hands, roll over and get out the bed, stomp to the door and yell at him to go away. With how much confusion he caused him over the past few hours, he couldn’t blame him. He deserved it.

“Maybe.” Tsukishima squeezed his hand, bringing him out of his thoughts. “I should have said something too, I mean, I’m as much at fault for this misunderstanding as you.”

“Wait, really?” Hinata perked up with gladness, though he kept his feelings in check, in case Tsukishima would heel-turn at the last moment.

“I meant what I sa-mmmf.” Tsukishima fell silent as Hinata wrapped him in a hug and smothered him with friendship. An overwhelming sense of relief, warmth, and pleasantness overcame him as he found himself caught in Tsukishima’s good graces. His friend didn’t dislike him, hate him, or anything of the like and while he may have been hurt by his words and such, he wasn’t holding it against him.

“Get, get off,” Tsukishima eventually uttered, but it lacked sincerity or even seriousness, as if he was reluctantly saying it to save face.

Hinata stayed where he was and just continued to hug him like there was no tomorrow. It just felt so good to wrap himself around him and feel his friend all over him like that. Out of everything he’d faced over these past few hours, the past few days, and even the past few weeks and all, it just seemed like this was what he needed to do. Those feelings of loneliness, chilly feelings of solitude, and feelings of abandonment all went away as it seemed like something about Tsukishima just pushed them to the farthest reaches of his mind. Unable to keep this feeling in, he just hugged him tighter, smiled, beamed, and hummed pleasantly.

Sent into a state of confusion yet calmness, Tsukishima gave up any attempts to get Hinata off and giggled softly, at first, but eventually louder like a chuckle or a laugh. The sound warmed Hinata’s heart more than it already was and sent him giggling and laughing as well.

They fell into a state of contentment as their pleasant laughter mixed together and filled the room with happiness and glee. Though it might be winter outside and though they weren’t currently under any covers, and though Hinata shivered as he had no shirt on, they were both as warm as could be. The sounds, sentiments, and physicality from one another was just so blissful, delightful, and joyous that they felt like their heads were in the clouds.

“Hey, I think I found the answer to your question from last week,” Hinata, so enraptured and elated in the moment, spoke without thinking as he snuggled against Tsukishima.

Tsukishima’s heartrate and breathing were still elevated, but instead of being from fear of the unknown, it seemed as if it was from the anticipation and excitement for what was to come. He spoke quietly and softly, as if to hide the emotions in his heart. “You, you did, did you?”

“Yeah, I did a long time ago.” Hinata spoke faintly as he softly squeezed him. “But, I think I’ve only realized it today.”

Tsukishima was silent as his breath hitched, like he knew the answer was forthcoming.

“The thing that I value way more than volleyball is,” Hinata grew silent as he smiled. Perhaps not expecting it, but Tsukishima turned over and starred right at him as they lay so very close together. On the same pillow, they locked eyes with one another and smiled with softness and fondness. Their cheeks grew a little redder as their cheeks spread a little wider. Their eyes sparkled a little brighter and twinkled a little more mirthfully as they held their gaze.

Hinata felt his heart do cartwheels and backflips as he maintained Tsukishima’s gaze. Though he’d been under it before, today felt more amazing, wonderful, and spectacular than it ever did before. Something about having his full eyed attention, receiving his rare smile, and being allowed to be in his presence like no one ever had before, just felt immensely pleasing, satisfying, and gratifying. Though more than that, he felt that a new feeling, one he’d only seen in his friends, Kageyama and Oikawa, NIshinoya and Tanaka, Kindaichi and Kunimi, was finally sprouting in his own heart. The person who was always there for him, cheering him on in his own way, believing in him when he even doubted himself, trusted him to have his back when no one else did, and was just there to keep him company, support him, encourage him, and so much more was his friend, Tsukishima, and he’d been so blind to it before. No maybe not blind, he realized as he lay there. His heart always knew it was Tsukishima and his mind, as usual, just couldn’t get with the picture until he was pushed into a corner of desperation, just like any and all tests that he needed to pass or else he’d miss a game or something.

He softly chuckled to himself as he wondered if Tsukishima knew this. He wondered if Tsukishima grew tired of waiting for him to address these feelings. Needing to see for himself if that was the case, he finally resumed speaking. “About that question, you’re the answer to it for me. All this, everything, it’s because of you Tsukishima. I like talking to you. I like teasing you. I like being teased by you. I like joking with you, eating with you, laughing with you, playing volleyball with you, studying with you, well I don’t like studying, but still, it means I get to spend more time with you so I like it too, and just everything with you. I like it, I like it a lot, so that’s why.” He fell silent and turned his head away. He wondered if he really had a right to say those three words that he knew he needed to say. Considering how he’d treated Tsukishima, he wouldn’t possibly accept his feelings so easily. He wasn’t in one of the many romance manga he read. He was a real human being who had feelings and who was hurt by his actions. He wouldn’t be so forthcoming.

“Why what, Hinata? Why what?” Tsukishima spoke in anticipation, perhaps more so than he thought as he grimaced when he turned his head and met a head full of hair. Unwilling to not get an answer he wrapped an arm around Hinata and turned him around. Hinata stared at him wide-eyed and all before smiling.

“It’s why I like you, Tsukki. Okay, I don’t just like you, I, I, I, I love you Tsukki,” Hinata admitted as if it were a secret buried deep in his heart. “You don’t have to say anything, really you don’t. Just me laying here, sharing a pillow with you, these covers with you, and this bed with you have already made me so, so, so happy.”

Tsukishima chuckled and ruffled his hair as he interrupted him. “I knew you’d get it, I just didn’t think it’d take this long. After all those looks you sent me over the past few months, the way you’d smile at me when you thought I wasn’t looking, and the way you’d just follow me like a cute little puppy, I figured you had feelings for me.”

“And you didn’t think of telling me?” Hinata asked as he let himself be babied by Tsukishima. It felt so good to have him tussling his hair.

“I told you, you’re a _tough nut to crack.”_

“And you’re smart, you’re always right.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah, you are, mostly. I mean you do sometimes tell the blockers to jump at the wrong time so, ouch!” Hinata giggled as he rubbed his head. Tsukishima had plucked him and hastily turned aside. “I was only joking, I was only joking!” He grabbed Tsukishima and shook him playfully until he turned around.

He was immediately met with more than Tsukishima's playful smirk and eyes filled with glee. He received a short and chaste kiss that felt so good but ended so soon.

“I always wanted to do that.” Tsukishima admitted quietly. Bashfully aware of how he let his love and affection for his friend make him act so spontaneous, he quickly hid most of his face under the covers. He nervously stared at Hinata and anxiously awaited a response. Hinata blankly staring at him with eyes that were glazed over as his lips remained parted was impossible to interpret.

Hinata honestly thought nothing would compare to the first time he got to play volleyball at a tournament in middle school, or the time he made it onto the Karasuno volleyball team, or even the first, second, or third time Tsukishima stared at him with a look that reflected trust, loyalty, friendship and something more, but now, he wondered how he ever felt hyped, excited, and happy over such unimportant things like that.

Tsukishima had kissed him. He kissed him in that same fond way he'd seen Kageyama and the _grand king _do for so many times. While he always averted his eyes and gave them some privacy, he couldn’t help but sneak a peek and wonder if kissing really felt that good. The way they’d stayed intimately connected for several moments as if they needed to lap up their feelings of love from each other, gazed at each other as if they cherished them more than anything else, and grinned before hugging as if they couldn’t get enough of each other’s presence, made him want to experience it himself. He needed to know if it was really that good.

And now, after experiencing it, he too could see why they looked at one another like that. Now, he could see why Kageyama would get so distracted whenever the _grand king_ got his attention. And now he could see why Kageyama would have such a dopey looking smile afterwards. Kissing your friend; kissing the one that made something inside of you jump, leap, and somersault all over the place when they said your name or looked at you; kissing the person who’d always been there looking at you, trusting you, supporting you, and knowing what to say, when to say it, and how to say it; and kissing that one special person who just _got you _without you even having to say something, left him smiling, grinning, beaming as so much warmth, happiness, and joy flooded into his being. Heck, it took all that he could to not burst out in happy tears as he made eye contact with Tsukishima beside him. Just being in the same bed, under the same covers, brushing feet and legs, rubbing hands and shoulders, and really, just being in his presence filled him with so much feeling and emotion.

Tsukishima’s eyes widened in delight and surprise as he stared at Hinata’s dopey looking expression and listened to his giggle. He was totally caught by surprise when Hinata simply embraced him in a loving and tender-hearted hug. His voice was unlike how it was most of the day so far. It was happy and warm. “Come on Tsukki. I liked it. Do it again. Please,” Hinata begged.

Tsukishima was still mousy and bashful, but he smiled as Hinata's sincerity touched his heart. He stared at him and nodded just before closing the short gap between then.

Unlike before, where there was surprise and unease, now there was anticipation and confidence. It was as if Hinata’s words flipped a switch in Tsukishima’s heart and made him bolder. Where the kiss was short and chaste before, now there was something else, almost like an urgency and a need to have Hinata feel all the feelings he’d squashed and kept hidden away. As he poured his feelings out through this display of affection, his hands roamed the teen’s body making him squirm in pleasure and delight.

Hinata moaned pleasantly, joyfully entertained by the feeling of his friend touching him so sensually. His felt so amazing across his tummy, around his sides, and even his upper chest. The way they brushed his nipples tripped something inside of him and made him gasp in surprise and pleasure. His lower body felt pleased too making his shorts tighten and warm. Blissed out, he pulled away briefly and smiled, begging Tsukishima for more. He wanted to feel more of his friend, more of the one who understood him, more of the one who always made him smile.

Tsukishima hummed as he resumed his kissing and feeling and touching eventually moving back to Hinata’s nipples and playing around with them. Stimulated by the feeling of having them squeezed, flicked, and rubbed, Hinata squirmed and moaned loudly, enough so that Kunimi above stirred. Though, too pleased by the feeling, Hinata stared at Tsukishima and softly giggled, nodded, and urgently insisted for more.

The power of his friend’s smile and his eyes that sparkled in the moonlight was moving and easily gave Tsukishima the impetus he needed to keep showering him with the affection and love that he wanted. He played with him further whispering soft sweet nothings in between each and every kiss, He treated Hinata as if his love for him was ceaseless and never ending.

Hinata tried to stifle the sounds that threatened to escape his body as his nipples were treated to such wonderful feeling hands and his mouth was delighted by his friend’s soft, warm, and tasty lips and his ears tickled by the lovely things Tsukishima called him. Tsukishima was just pleasing him and treating so well that he honestly felt totally and wholly satisfied with not only his life but his friendship with him. Overwhelmed by his friend’s love he reached his peak. He felt totally and completely gratified that he arched his back and moaned Tsukishima’s name as everything that he felt for him warmed and moistened his shorts.

Perhaps pleased by hearing his name in such a raw, passionate, and emotional way, Tsukishima pulled Hinata against him and wrapped them both fully and completely under the covers. Breath heavy and hard, they just lay there and took each other’s company in, giggling softly and gently.

Eventually, Hinata started ruffling Tsukishima hair and whispered soft sweet nothings under his breath until he lulled off to sleep, though just before he did, Tsukishima caught the faintest and sweetest of words. “I love you Tsukki, I really, really do.”

* * *

“Concussion protocol, I can’t let you...” The coach’s words went in one ear and out the other as Hinata stared off at the players on the court. His eyes focused on Tsukishima who stared back at him at any and every chance he got. Tsukishima’s eyes not only reflected concern and warmth, but fond affection and love for his Hinata Shouyou.

Their friends whistled and cat-called. It distracted Tsukishima and made him blush. Hinata chuckled from Tsukishima’s bashful reaction and reddening face as he glared at the others who teased him.

As Hinata followed the coach to the bench to sit and observe the day’s practices, he pulled Tsukishima’s Karasuno jacket around him and took in the warmth and smell of his friend. It was not too different than the pleasant aroma of fruits and berries from last night mixed with that _Tsukishima _scent that had a way of calming him whenever he felt it.

A bit of longing fell into his being as the practice commenced. He wished more than ever to touch, feel, smell, hear, and talk to the real Tsukishima. How a few meters of court space could feel so far away baffled him, and it nearly did as the boy in question walked up to him, ruffled his hair, and sat with him. As their friend’s eyes fell on them, Tsukishima pulled Hinata into a pleasant and gentle side hug, subtle enough to be missed by the coach but blatant enough to be seen by their friends. Where they teased them before, now, their expressions were fond and understanding. Everyone knew how much the two friends cared for each other and perhaps how much they needed each other. Even now, Tsukishima had a way, a sense of knowing when Hinata was feeling down in the dumps and he knew just what to do to bring him out of it. Though he was sacrificing valuable practice time, he didn’t care. His friend meant the world to him and he’d do whatever he could to help him get through this thing, even if it came with a few sudden flashes of cameras from their friends and a bit of yelling from the coach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.
> 
> used the headcanon that hinata hates/is afraid of being alone so its why he's so passionate and all about friends.
> 
> Hoped it worked.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Guess this year I'm continuously in a mood of Hinata looking at Tsukishima as if he is his light
> 
> Should all be posted this week.


End file.
